12. On Being Dragged Publicly by the Internet Mob

The Trials, Troubles, and Triumphs of TikTok Fame.

Oct 29, 2022

[Y’all, I feel anxious sharing this, but I want to try to become more comfortable sharing aspects of my life with different sectors of my life.]

As you may or may not know, I run a pretty popular TikTok page called @fandomfanboi.

Note of clarification from present-day Alex in 2023: @fandomfanboi is my former TikTok username from 2021 & 2022. My username is now @loveandliberationdaily for 2023 & beyond. You can visit my TikTok channel via this link. This note is continued at the bottom of the piece.

I talk about television, movies, news, politics, economics, and memes (lol).

My videos (I’m still completely shocked by this) often go viral. I usually see around 2,000,000 to 5,000,000+ views per day on my channel. Over the past 60 days alone, I’ve accrued over 100,000,000 views on my channel. Isn’t that nuts?!

There’s things that I love so much about TikTok:

The ability to connect with friends, fans, and followers from around the world!
The ability to build community and talk about books with other readers from around the world.
My favorite: The ability to connect with other writers, at all stages of the process, from around the world.
Getting sent free books and presents from publishers and authors I love!!! (Still geeked by this, it’s so fun and I literally squeal every time I get new book mail.)
The speed with which ideas can travel and have immediate impact.
The number of genuinely fascinating people I’ve gotten to learn from and know personally.

I’ve had so many wholesome interactions with people writing in to tell me how much they love my videos and my channel. Essentially, so much good has come from my time on TikTok.

However, as with any public venture, there is a flip side.

An anxiety-inducing side. And when you go viral so often, you are destined to get trolls. So far I’ve been okay-ish at managing this, with the love and support of my bestie Ayanda, my parents, my family, my other dear friends, and lifelong besties.

BUT SOMETIMES Y’ALL. *insert crying emoji* Sometimes, it really impacts my mental health massively & it’s a major struggle. Every creator I’ve ever talked to has shared similar sentiments. It’s a huge thing that all of your favorite creators are going through.

I’m in a great position and very lucky that I have amazing friends and family who keep me grounded and help me talk through things, but this past month in particular I have had a few really negative experiences, notably in one instance a TikTok creator took a video of mine, clipped it down, and edited it to make it seem like I had said or endorsed something that I definitely stand against.

It was such an odd experience. I felt completely helpless. I’ve seen this happen so much to celebrities and politicians, but it was so weird to experience it personally. This creator’s video, which is what’s called a “takedown” or “dragging” video went on to get around a half million views. I remember feeling so confused, why would this person go out of their way to mischaracterize me, to harm me, to say things about me that aren’t true, especially when they don’t even know me? How could someone be so fueled by hate?

My bestie Ayanda shared with me a passage from Adrienne Maree Brown that helped soothe my mind & understand the situation so much better. If you haven’t read Adrienne Maree Brown’s book, Emergent Strategy, please do, it’s life-changing.

Here are some life-changing quotes that were shared with me that instantly helped:

“Humans have made of ourselves a hierarchy of value in which some people are disposable—can fail at being human, can be killed as a punishment, can be collateral damage. Can be wasted. Or tortured. Or locked in a small box for their whole lives, given no hope of transformation, or a future in society.”
“And even those of us who critique these punitive methods, who are committed to justice, practice our own versions of prisons, blacklists, takedowns, and public executions. When we don’t agree with each other, we destroy each other. When we feel competitive with each other, we splinter and… destroy the other. We say we don’t care, and then invest time and energy into cultivating conflict with each other. When we feel scared, we destroy each other instead of working to get to the root of our fear. How do we shift into a culture in which conflict and difference is generative?”
“One place to turn to with a transformative justice lens is our shared vision. When we imagine the world we want to shift towards, are we dreaming of being the winners of the future? Or are we dreaming of a world where winning is no longer necessary because there are no enemies? Domination or peace? I argue that peace is the most strategic option for our long-term survival.”
“Not an uninformed or compromising peace—a peace that is built on truth, accountability, and equity. I will admit here that even some of my closest loved ones find me naive for holding a vision of a humanity with no enemies. I can imagine it though, and in fact, it seems like the only viable long-term solution.”
“We need to transform all of the energy we currently put into war and punishment into creating solutions for how to continue on this planet. The time, the energy, the money—we actually have all of that in abundance. What we lack is will. What we put our attention on grows.”

Read Adrienne Maree Brown’s life-changing book, Emergent Strategy: Shaping Change, Changing Worlds.

Just hearing these words helped me so much, because it provided such a valuable framework for understanding the situation and for being kind and gentle with myself to not let the words of a spiritually unhealed human define me or impact me so severely.

But despite this mental peace, my nervous system couldn’t seem to shake the experience. I OBSESSED unhealthily about it for days. I would have dreams about it. My subconscious mind became consumed: Why would this man do this to me? Why would he do such a mean-spirited thing?

I talked about it with friends and family for days and days. I’m sure I eventually became an annoyance, even though they all were so kind and loving to me as I navigated through the experience.

For some reason, I just kept repeating the thought in my mind: Why would this person do this? Why were they committed to harming me? I’m a literal stranger! I’m a good person! I spend like literally 99% of my free time just loving on everyone around me. I don’t even know this man! If this man knew me and what I’ve accomplished, the causes I’ve rallied behind, he would be so embarrassed.

I seriously couldn’t let it go y’all. I kept thinking, if this guy only knew me he would realize what a mistake it was to characterize me this way!!!

It’s weird even typing this now, with considerable distance, because I’m thinking as I type this, wow I can’t believe I let some troll rock me so severely. #cringe

Looking back at my daily journals, I was consumed, I was becoming a daily broken record, I was missing out on the joy and fun of my daily life, my mood was sour, I couldn’t shake it!!! Each journal entry read something like: “I’m a super nice guy?! All I do is spread positivity and my like silly low-stakes reactions to TV shows and films?! What is this guy’s f*cking problem?! What could have possessed him to be such a colossal JERK?”

The more I reflected on the quotes my bestie shared, the more I realized how true they were.

This man saw me as his collateral damage in his quest to build a large audience on TikTok. It was that simple. But just because something is simple, doesn’t mean it is easy to accept.

What an odd thing. To be someone’s collateral damage. It honestly made me start to feel so bad for him. I started to empathize with him. What a painful life you must lead, random man, if the only way you can think to get people to listen to you is by intentionally harming others.

I began to go into caring friend mode. Worried for this man even. Doesn’t he know that you can’t build anything real that is fueled by hate? Doesn’t he know that it will eventually be extinguished and overpowered by compassion, love, humanity, kindness, bravery, all the forces that overpower evil in the universe?

Despite having mental clarity, I was still curious. Why did I care so much about this in the first place? Why was this one of the most disorienting experiences I’ve ever had? I had my relief, why couldn’t I just let it go? I’m an olympian at letting things go. Why did this stick with me so deeply? Why couldn’t I sleep? Why was I crying myself to sleep for the first time in years? Why was I feeling so hopeless?

What’s fascinating to me now is how human my reaction was. We all do this from time to time. It’s so unbelievably human! We want to be liked, loved, heard, and understood for who we truly are. And when we are mischaracterized, misunderstood, and misrepresented, it hurts. It hurts DEEP. To feel ostracized or rejected by a member of your tribe. BIG OUCH.

I’ve had thousands of personal super positive interactions, I’ve received hundreds of thousands of comments and millions of likes, and tens of millions of views. The vast majority of people love and support me. They want me to win. They want to see me thrive. They recognize my goodness and my positive intentions. They support and uplift me. So why did I hyper-fixate on this one negative experience?

I knew that something deeper had to be going on. So I began to do a little research.

I know rumination can happen to any of us and that it’s so normal and so human to hyper-fixate on criticism, but I got curious about:

How can I better manage this in the future so that I don’t freak out and cry myself to sleep in the future when something like this happens &
Why psychologically do I and so many others hyper-fixate on criticism like this?

Here’s what I learned and some helpful links for those who want to study and understand this for their own lives:

This is a really common reaction for people with ADHD. https://www.additudemag.com/overly-sensitive-rsd/ which I have! lol.
1. Here’s an interesting quote from this article: “So instead, my greatest challenge is something I didn’t know existed until a couple of years ago: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), the intense emotional discomfort and pain I feel due to criticism or rejection (perceived or real) from others. RSD is a disabling feature of ADHD. Like all other aspects of ADHD, it’s a feeling that everyone feels at various times. Yet the frequency, and intensity of these feelings, separate these feelings from typical responses to perceived rejection. It is difficult to find words to describe the intense emotional discomfort that rejection or criticism produce. As with much of my experience with ADHD, it is when I research and see how intensely this can affect people that I realize how fortunate I am to experience a version of it that is manageable.”
Learning about hyper fixation, rumination, and hyperfocus can be so liberating: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7851038/
1. “Hyperfocus’ is a phenomenon that reflects one’s complete absorption in a task, to a point where a person appears to completely ignore or ‘tune out’ everything else. Hyperfocus is most often mentioned in the context of autism, schizophrenia, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, but research into its effect on cognitive and neural functioning is limited. We propose that hyperfocus is a critically important aspect of cognition, particularly with regard to clinical populations, and that it warrants significant investigation. Hyperfocus, though ostensibly self-explanatory, is poorly defined within the literature. In many cases, hyperfocus goes undefined, relying on the assumption that the reader inherently knows what it entails. Thus, there is no single consensus to what constitutes hyperfocus. Moreover, some studies do not refer to hyperfocus by name, but describe processes that may be related. In this paper, we review how hyperfocus (as well as possibly related phenomena) has been defined and measured, the challenges associated with hyperfocus research, and assess how hyperfocus affects both neurotypical and clinical populations. Using this foundation, we provide constructive criticism about previously used methods and analyses. We also propose an operational definition of hyperfocus for researchers to use moving forward.”
https://psychcentral.com/adhd/adults-with-adhd-when-youre-super-sensitive-to-rejection
1. “One minute, she says, you’re feeling fine, and then a rejection trigger hits and you’re completely overwhelmed.
2. “The amygdala — the emotional command center of our brain — gets hijacked and the fight, flight, or freeze response takes over the body,” Clements explains.
3. “This response looks different in every person. For Schwartz, it’s “a deep pain in the center of my chest, anxiety in multiple systems, flushed face, and a desperation to take some kind of action to undo whatever it is that caused the RSD.”

In the end, here are the conclusions that I’ve come to:

Is it me or is it my ADHD?
1. Sometimes taking rejection super personally is just a symptom of ADHD and a natural response of a non-neurotypical brain. Celebrate your non-neurotypical status and develop loving ways to care for yourself to limit this kind of intense stress. My suggestion to creators is to try to limit the amount of time you spend reading comments / watching stitched videos at all. Why invite the potential trigger in the first place?
Am I loving myself?
1. It does not matter how much love and support I receive from others if I am incapable of or intentionally neglecting the daily act of loving, supporting, and showing up for myself.
2. Each day, I MUST show up for, love, and support myself unconditionally.
3. I am my first and most important life partner.
4. I cannot freely love and support others if I do not freely love and support myself.
5. I also cannot fully receive love and support from others, if I do not freely love and support myself first and foremost. <3
What is the most loving choice?
1. Each day I have a choice, to choose to care for my mind, body, and spirit. To look on the bright side of things. To engage in hobbies and activities and conversations that amplify and lift up my energy. To pour love and support and life into myself, my family, my friends, and my community.
  1. It’s okay if I accidentally give into cynicism or self-criticism, it’s normal, but I must work to try and train myself to habitually be SO KIND and so generous to myself, so that in moments of stress and extreme anxiety, I can care for and soothe my nervous system in a way that is sustainable, nurturing and rejuvenating.
What does my real life consist of?
1. TikTok & the internet is not the real life.
2. It’s not my real life at all. The internet is the internet.
3. One seven-second video on the internet could never define the complexity of who I am as a being.
4. My real life consists of my friends, my family, my art, my writing, my books, my walks along the mountain trails, the natural earth, the sky, everything that happens when I’m not on my phone or computer or staring at a screen. <3
Why do I care about pleasing a person who will never like me, no matter how perfect I am? Someone who is committed to misunderstanding me?
1. You could be/have the sweetest peaches in the orchard, but some people will be allergic to, will hate, or will just plain not want to eat your peaches.
  1. That doesn’t mean you still aren’t a fine piece of juicy fruit!! It just means that you are not for everyone and that’s okay!!! It’s actually a good thing. It means you’re unique and interesting.
How can I create more thoughtful boundaries with myself?
1. You have to create boundaries in your digital life. I have a new boundary that I do not read YouTube or TikTok comments, ever, if I can help it. The people I want to hear feedback from I talk to regularly on the phone or in person, and in the words of Brené Brown, “Unless you are in the arena with me, I’m not interested in feedback from the cheap seats!!!”

I’ll leave you with this, a quote I love from FDR that Brené Brown popularized in her epic book Rising Strong, which you must read immediately if you haven’t already.

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”
—Theodore Roosevelt
Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

I don’t know about you, but I will always always always want to be the soul who is brave enough to try, brave enough to put myself out there, brave enough to keep showing up. Brave enough to risk defeat.

I love you all,

Happy Saturday!!!

Stay brave,

Keep showing up,

Keep making your art,

Keep putting yourself out there,

Keep on shining angels,

AND Nolite te Bastardes Carborundorum!!!

Always Love,

Alex

love & liberation daily

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