10 things that inspired me this week
What inspires you? What moves you? What keeps you going when times get tough?
Hello dear ones,
I am currently working on editing two brand new podcast episodes for you all.
The first, a conversation with Hannah Gabel, the founder of BookMarkParty, is a deep dive into the life of a modern literary influencer. We discuss the ups and downs of virality, the role of the modern literary critic, the current state of the publishing industry, and how to handle online trolls.
Our conversation spans widely, and we dive into the tips and advice for how to monetize one’s social media audience, how to build strong relationships with publishing houses, and how to be courageous when creating art. We also look into shaping your personal brand, negotiating business deals, and advocating for yourself when creating content.
The second episode, an intimate conversation with Rasheed Newson, is a insight into the writing process of Rasheed’s stellar debut novel, My Government Means to Kill Me, as well as a discussion about writing historical figures (such as Bayard Rustin) and true events (such as the Stonewall riots).
Our conversation spans many topics, including historical research tips for writers, advice on writing honest and explicit sex scenes that provide necessary character development, as well as some illuminating digressions into the current state of the television and film industry.
Both of these episodes will be delivered to your inbox in the coming weeks, but as promised, on Wednesdays in 2023, when I do not share a new podcast episode with you all, I will instead share a newsletter overflowing with the media, insights, quotes, and books that I am loving this week. I know that what follows will help us all to continue thriving together. I hope you enjoy. =)
Here are the top ten things that inspired me this week:
1) On perseverance
Last night, Ke Huy Quan gave a powerful speech at the Golden Globes. The speech is a testament to why we must never give up on our ambitions.
Quan, like so many, feared that perhaps his best work might be behind him. That he may never get a second chance to chase his dreams.
It took nearly thirty years of striving for Quan to reach this triumph, an award honored for his powerful and compelling performance in the phenomenal film, Everything Everywhere All at Once.
If you enjoy this speech, be sure to check out his work and give the film a watch. It’s one of my favorite films of 2022 and one of my favorite films of all time. I was on a date when I first saw it in theaters, this past summer, and I cried very intensely into my dates shoulder throughout the movie, haha. Once you watch it, you will understand why.
EEAAO is such a powerful film. This speech brought back all the feels and filled me with pride and abundant joy for this sweet man, who never gave up on himself, despite all of the barriers and obstacles in his way.
Watch below:
2) On love
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Brené Brown has often been a guiding light for me. Ever since her first viral TED Talk, which now has over sixty million views, I have loved her raw honesty when discussing relationships, shame, blame, and the stories that we tell ourselves in our heads that lead to chronic disconnection, loneliness, and unhappiness.
Each time I read one of Brown’s works, I learn something new. I can’t recommend her podcast and her books highly enough. Each has shaped my life and the lives of my loved ones in unique and special ways. For those unfamiliar with Brown’s work, I think the best place to start is by listening to this interview she did with Oprah Winfrey a few years ago on the SuperSoul Sunday podcast:
3) On courage
One thing I simply must share with you all is this amazing excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic.
The book, a wonderful call of action for the modern creative, offers sage wisdom. It’s the book that connected me with my favorite poet, Jack Gilbert. A book that has brilliant thoughts about fear as an inevitability, but as a non-deciding force in our lives.
What I want to share with you today, that so brightens me each time I read it, is a list of all of the reasons we hold ourselves back, our collective untrue fears that keep us from creating.
Gilbert listing them so frankly is an uncanny reminder that we all are much more similar than we might imagine. We all suffer from these shared delusions that poison our motivation and keep us disconnected and dissatisfied. However, as Gilbert notes, we cannot allow these fears to hamper or keep us from our creativity. Rather, we must embrace them, as inevitable parts of our perfectly imperfect selves.
Read the excerpt below:
“Let me list for you some of the many ways in which you might be afraid to live a more creative life: You’re afraid you have no talent. You’re afraid you’ll be rejected or criticized or ridiculed or misunderstood or—worst of all—ignored. You’re afraid there’s no market for your creativity, and therefore no point in pursuing it. You’re afraid somebody else already did it better.
You’re afraid everybody else already did it better. You’re afraid somebody will steal your ideas, so it’s safer to keep them hidden forever in the dark. You’re afraid you won’t be taken seriously. You’re afraid your work isn’t politically, emotionally, or artistically important enough to change anyone’s life. You’re afraid your dreams are embarrassing. You’re afraid that someday you’ll look back on your creative endeavors as having been a giant waste of time, effort, and money. You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of discipline.
You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of work space, or financial freedom, or empty hours in which to focus on invention or exploration. You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of training or degree. You’re afraid you’re too fat. (I don’t know what this has to do with creativity, exactly, but experience has taught me that most of us are afraid we’re too fat, so let’s just put that on the anxiety list, for good measure.) You’re afraid of being exposed as a hack, or a fool, or a dilettante, or a narcissist. You’re afraid of upsetting your family with what you may reveal. You’re afraid of what your peers and coworkers will say if you express your personal truth aloud. You’re afraid of unleashing your innermost demons, and you really don’t want to encounter your innermost demons.
You’re afraid your best work is behind you. You’re afraid you never had any best work to begin with. You’re afraid you neglected your creativity for so long that now you can never get it back. You’re afraid you’re too old to start. You’re afraid you’re too young to start. You’re afraid because something went well in your life once, so obviously nothing can ever go well again. You’re afraid because nothing has ever gone well in your life, so why bother trying? You’re afraid of being a one-hit wonder. You’re afraid of being a no-hit wonder.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear
Following this brilliant list of fears, Gilbert guides us to a new resolution: that we must not ever deny that our fear exists, rather that we should embrace them, let them exist alongside our courage, our passion, and our drive.
However, just because we allow our fears to exist and to be known, it does not mean we ever let them influence our decision-making.
Gilbert uses the metaphor of the car. The fear we all have is a passenger on the roadtrip of our creative projects. Sometimes they are an annoying backseat driver, but despite our temptations, we must never, ever, EVER allow our fears to be in driver’s seat of our own lives.
4) On avoidance
I went through a sad breakup in college with a hot swimmer-poet I really liked. He was emotionally avoidant, but I was certain that beneath his brooding exterior was a wonderland of brooding genius. Sigh, oh the ignorance of the younger Alex, who was simply and irrevocably… wrong. Lol.
However, our breakup left me devastated at the time. It was abrupt and left me in bed reading old worn out copies of Jack Gilbert poetry collections from the library. I knew it was young love that wasn’t destined to last, but I couldn’t seem to let go of the brief spark I’d shared with this passing ship of a boyfriend, who was not interesting in longterm love and commitment, but rather just wanted from me what most men have solely wanted: sex, sex, sex.
My professor at the time, Alexander Chee, wisely pointed me to the work of Pema Chödrön, when I expressed that my grief was keeping me from living my life functionally. I couldn’t get out of bed, was skipping classes, and was altogether a hot mess.
Taking his recommendation, I marched my haggard and disheveled body down to the library, where I checked out as many Chödrön books as possible. In the coming days, I continued skipping classes and poured over the texts in my dark dorm room.
What I found was revelatory.
To this day, I am shocked and gladdened by how Pema Chödrön’s work so healed me in many and unexpected ways, largely because it encouraged me to face my grief head on, something our culture of endless distraction almost never encourages us to do!
So often, we are encouraged to do activities to “take our mind off of things,” which leads to chronic avoidance, and the unsettling and embodied feeling of trauma and unprocessed emotions that have never allowed themselves to be expressed or truly known.
Much like denying our own fears and insecurities, the denial of pain, the avoidance of it, ultimately leads to dis-ease, depression, anxiety, and all sorts of miseries. I’m not saying that facing your trauma head on will magically fix all of your life problems, but it is a necessary step in course-correcting and re-aligning with a healthier and more integrated version of yourself.
I encourage the readings of Pema Chödrön for anyone who is currently going through a season of pain, anxiety, depression, PTSD, a breakup, a separation, a familial estrangement, a friend breakup, anything that is requiring you to confront aspects of yourself and your life that you’d rather put off to tomorrow (or next year!)
“The only reason we don't open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don't feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else's eyes.” ― Pema Chödrön
Here’s a great podcast, if you don’t know where to start:
5) On the forgiveness of self
On a call the other day, my bestie and I deeply resonated with this gem from Ann Patchett’s fabulous book, This is the Story of A Happy Marriage.
The book, which I’ve read dozens of times over the years since it was first introduced to me by a dear friend, Florence Gonsalves, is such a renewing and fortifying read, making me feel less alone in the objective madness that is being a writer, a content creator, and leading a life free from the constraints of a traditional nine-to-five.
This meditation on forgiveness, I think, is a reminder that we all need quite often. So I will likely share it here repeatedly, for my own benefit, and yours. Let this be a meditation for you, a prompt even, for your own writing, life, and creative works.
Read the passage:
“Forgiveness. The ability to forgive oneself. Stop here for a few breaths and think about this because it is the key to making art, and very possibly the key to finding any semblance of happiness in life. Every time I have set out to translate the book (or story, or hopelessly long essay) that exists in such brilliant detail on the big screen of my limbic system onto a piece of paper (which, let’s face it, was once a towering tree crowned with leaves and a home to birds) I grieve for my own lack of talent and intelligence. Every. Single. Time. Were I smarter, more gifted, I could pin down a closer facsimile of the wonders I see. I believe, more than anything, that this grief of constantly having to face down our own inadequacies is what keeps people from being writers. Forgiveness, therefore, is key. I can’t write the book I want to write, but I can and will write the book I am capable of writing. Again and again throughout the course of my life I will forgive myself.” ― Ann Patchett, This is the Story of a Happy Marriage
Questions to consider:
What might you create if you were able to forgive yourself?
What might you create if you allowed yourself to denounce perfectionism?
What might you create if you allowed who you are in this moment to be enough?
6) On the forgiveness of others
This is perhaps the one that I struggle with the most.
I am a very loving and forgiving person, but as Oprah so wisely notes, there is more than the forgiveness of others and of the self, there is also the true acceptance and a letting go of how you wish things might have happened differently in another timeline.
When you can truly be at peace and as Byron Katie says, when you can learn to love what is, that is when you and the other parties are truly forgiven and set free.
Until then, you hold onto pain and resentment, and the mismatch between spoken forgiveness and the internal anger of hopes that you cling to, outcomes and resolutions to past situations and chapters of your life, which have already closed, which have already happened.
The constantly yearning for the past to have been different than it is creates psychic dis-ease, which leads to all sorts of negative pent up emotions and physical un-wellness.
For those struggling to let go, to forgive, to move forward, watch this video. Consider what it took for each of these people to forgive the unthinkable:
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.” ― Oprah Winfrey
Also, let this video from Dr. Maya Angelou be a powerful reminder on what loving and letting go can look like.
Question to consider:
If you died today, would you be proud of the person you have become?
For further Maya Angelou & Oprah Winfrey wonderfulness:
7) On Suffering
“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.”
― Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar
I don’t have much to add here, other than the offering that if you allow yourself the courage to face your pain, the deepest parts of yourself, what lies on the other side is possibility. A life free of what you’ve been holding onto. A life full of all that you currently deprive yourself. A life full of the many wonders and possibilities for yourself that you presently deny.
8) On Loss
“You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
― Anne Lamott
Anne Lamott was once dubbed by a national paper “the guru of leftie optimism,” a title she wears proudly. What I loved about her is that she never hides from herself.
Her addictions, her struggle with alcoholism, her heartbreaks, her disconnects with family members, she never pretends that things are not as they are, instead she shows us how we can find joy amidst pain, how we can continually seek the parts of ourselves that so longs to dance, that so longs to let go, that so longs to love.
Loss is inevitable in life and for many of us, myself included, it can take us down for long winters, sometimes for entire years or more.
What Anne offers is a promise, that one day, somehow, despite all odds, you will want to get back up. That you will learn to carry this pain, that your body can heal, and that you will find joy again.
Also, on a joyful note, at the age of 65, Anne Lamott fell in love and married her sweetheart, Neal Allen. This picture of her on her wedding day brings me so much joy. To know that she has had a life of so much struggle and pain, but that now she has days full of her church community, her son, her grandchildren, her faith, her sweetheart, her best friends, and a literary community that adores her.
It warms my heart so much.
9) On perfectionism
This next quote, from Anne’s superb book Bird by Bird, is one that can apply to any person, anywhere, at any time.
For so many of us, perfectionism is a deadly disease that keeps us gridlocked in cycles of intrusive thoughts that say: “I am never enough. This is not good enough. I am not good enough. I will never be good enough.”
How liberating to be reminded that these are the intonations of the oppressor, that which would seek to make us small, to keep us from sharing our delightfully imperfect and abundant selves. The next time you have the thought, “I am not good enough,” ask yourself in reply: “Good enough for whom?”
Because for me, for you, for everyone else, you are more than enough.
You are everything. You are a divine being. A part of the collective. Your consciousness, your art, your soul, your life has every bit as much right to be here as anyone elses. Anyone who would seek to convince you otherwise has not done the spiritual work to know that we are ALL interconnected. We are all a human family.
Your liberation from self-hatred, self-sacrificing, self-limiting beliefs, your liberation from those things, it is our collective liberation. For when you let your unconscious light shine, as Marianne Williamson so beautifully reminds us, you give EVERYONE that bears witness the unconscious permission to do the same.
This is the year we are labeling perfectionism for what it is: The voice of the oppressor. And we will always live and create and be and put forward our wonderful self despite this voice, because it does not define us, it does not limit us and it sure as hell is no longer holding us back. 2023 is the year that perfectionism ends. We don’t have time for it this year, baby. We’re too busy shining!
“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.”
― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life
10) On memory
I have often taught the below poem to my students, as it is an excellent example of evocation, flash-back, and exhuming the past within an in-scene stanza. Poetry is a very difficult medium to teach, and so often it is hard for me as the educator to break down exactly why a poem works. Art is incredibly subjective. And what might rock you to your core, might for someone else be only mildly stirring.
We are all approaching the consciousness of others in various states of awareness and knowing. However, this poem below, with good reason, seems to reach so many artists in the same guttural way. It is a master-class in line breaks, tempo, and writing a poem that honors familial legacy. I am sucker for poems that occur in liminal spaces. And Naomi Shihab Nye is a wonder to behold.
I hope you have enjoyed this issue of Let’s Thrive Together. If you don’t already, please consider subscribing. <3 Also, keep scrolling for some exciting recommendations at the end of this e-mail <3
BONUS: On exhuming and exalting the ordinary
Thank you for reading to the end of this newsletter. As a closing offering, I share this Viola Davis speech with you. This message is a brilliant reminder of the power of the modern artist, a reflection on whose stories get told, and the importance of exalting ordinary lives. I still cry every single time I hear these incredible words and I feel so lucky to be alive at the same time as Viola, a living legend. Be sure to read her memoir, if you can, it is superb.
Reminder: Keep going! The world needs your art. I believe in you. <3
What should I watch, read, and listen to next?
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Ahhh thank you for sharing this!!! All of these are just deeply refreshing, for me especially on the forgiveness of self part 😭👀